Happy Anniversary

Today marks what would have been a special time together. A time to celebrate our first year of marriage. Unfortunately, we don't get to do that. Partly to a bogus no contact order, and rest do to 75% of our marriage were spent separated. Literally, only three months of our marriage were spent together. Well, she has a one month, one, one day, 8 hours, and 10 minute old baby to celebrate with. But hey who is counting time. Time shouldn't be spent counting, but something you look back on and say man it sure flew by. As for me I said it time and time again. I'm damage goods and I came with nothing and I'll leave with nothing.

What am I doing here?

They say everything happens for a reason. Well, I say that myself actually. Being a firm believer in predestination I know it to be true. The problem is not having to living with my choices, but living with them and not knowing the reason.

I guess that plays a big whole in all aspect of my life. I am often seen as a rebel or trouble maker because I just want to know the bigger picture in things I am told to do. I have no problem doing them it’s just that I need to know the why of what I am doing.  

So, when I see my life going to shit I don’t ask why is this happening to me. I asked that enough growing up, but now the question is what the greater good that will come from it. When I never had a child out of wedlock or go to a Bible College and meet the “one God has for me”. We get married move in together she finds out she is pregnant and three weeks later she wants to up and leave. Then tells me she wants me to go to counselling or we won’t work. Comes back for a month and every other day she is asking me for a divorce. She leaves for 5 months, comes back for a month, and leaves again. Now, she tells me I can’t have joint custody, be there for her daughter’s birth, and so on. I don’t ask why but left wondering what’s the greater good of this?

Or when I told I can’t be present because I will stress the baby and the mother. I heard I was a problem and fuck up all my life. Often times I just wonder what I am doing here? What the fuck am I doing here? I know that I don’t belong here. I am cancer to the world. I am like the black plague. Maybe that’s why I get the worse service at restaurants or don’t get along with co-workers. I am the worse at everything and I want to drive off into the sunset and never turn back.

I guess the whole marriage could be summed up in the song Hang by Matchbox Twenty

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'til it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see it at all 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hangI
The same for you
I'll always hang

Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

I forgot how to live my life. I don't know who I am anymore. I know I am not the confident strong individual I was 6 years ago. That person who wouldn't let the world hold him down. That chased the dream and fulfilled it. But now, now I am a no body and I feel like the scum of the earth. I am worthless and have nothing build off of or work towards. 

In the bonds of phi phi k a

March 1, 2014- Today I am reminded that this day 146 years ago. The greatest organization was ever assembled; Pi Kappa Alpha. This fraternity has a special place in my heart, because ever since I was in the 7th grade I knew I wanted to be a Pike. I loved that there was a place for me that recruited based on everything I saw myself as or knew deep down I could become it. I knew I had that "S.L.A.G" in me (Scholars, Leaders, Athletes, and Gentlemen). Knowing in seventh grade I excelled in classes I actually liked or that ones the teachers challenged me to release my potential in l I could become a Scholar. Leadership was easy because I was a natural group leader in projects, my group of friends, and Beta Club offices. I played sports throughout school mainly football. Of course I respected my elders and the ladies so I knew I was Gentleman. Then on November 11, 2007 my dream became true I became the 1,658 member of Pi Kappa Alpha at Delta Theta (Arkansas State University).

It’s nice to reflect back on some more principles and values Pi Kappa Alpha stood for. To remind myself and my fraternity brothers all over that “Once a Pike, always a Pike” meaning that our fraternity isn’t just a party location with a group of friends, but making us better men for tomorrow and improving the lives of others around us.

Pi Kappa Alpha Preamble

Sunday Evening March 1^st, 1868

University of Virginia

“For the establishment of friendship on a firmer and more lasting basis; for the promotion of brotherly love and kind feeling; for the mutual benefit and advancement of the interest of those with whom we sympathize and deem worthy of our regard; We have resolved to form a Fraternity believing that, thus we can most successfully accomplish our object.”

    - Robertson Howard

    - Julian Edward Wood

    - James Benjamin Sclater, Jr.

    - Frederick Southgate Taylor

    - Littleton Waller Tazewell Braford

    - William Alexander

The Pi Kappa Alpha Statement on Integrity

Our Founders created Pi Kappa Alpha to attract men committed to the full development of their intellectual and personal potential. This object requires that a community of trust exist among all brothers, along with a faithful devotion to truth and honor. Integrity is demanded in all relationships and pursuits, both personal and academic.

Who is a Pike?

He is a Scholar- A person that places a high importance on scholarship and education in all aspects of life. He is committed and prepares for success in the classroom and later in life.

He is a Leader- He understands that the key to success, both for the organization and the individual is leadership. He looks for and earns his way to be promoted into leadership opportunities by involvement and the encouragement of others to get involved.

He is an Athlete- He is involved in athletic competition to be challenged to perform at his peak performance. He is dedicated to peak performance in everything that he does. Through this he builds teamwork skills which are fundamental to success in life, unity, and the quality of the experience.

He is a Gentleman- A person that respects his person but others also.

Down in Old Virginny

It was down in old Virginny
Where Pi K A began
Its honor and its loyalty
First took its noble stand
The unity of this Fraternity
Can weather all storms that may come
Pi K A has the men that stand way above the rest
To all Fraternity men it represents the best
For the Garnet and the Gold Will never grow old
In the Heart of every Pi K A

From the Depths of Our Hearts

From the depths of our hearts let us sing it,
A song that will never grow old,
All the world loves a Pi Kappa Alpha,
Song of the Garnet and Gold,
Pi Kappa Alpha All hail to the Garnet,
All hail to the Gold, Pi Kappa Alpha,
All hail to the Garnet and Gold

The Dream Girl of Pi Kappa Alpha

The dream girl of Pi Kappa Alpha Is the dream girl I'll always adore
She's enchanting as starlight, and oh, how I long,
To be the lucky one boy to whom she'll belong
The dream girl of Pi Kappa Alpha
Is the ideal of all that I love
We put our hearts in the game
But whose heart will she claim?
Will the Pi Kappa Alpha dream girl be mine?

Pikes once, Pikes twice,
For the best pikes thrice,
Get out of the way cause here we come
Pi K A is number 1
Oooooooooh, Pike!
Boolah, Boolah

The True Pike

As members of the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity, we commit ourselves to uphold the values taught in our Ritual and restated in our Vision, Mission, and Creed. The True Pike is committed to a life of caring for others as he cares for himself. In pursuit of that ideal, I reaffirm my commitment...

To Myself

• to practice academic integrity and strive for academic achievement
• to meet all of my financial obligations on time
• to preserve a sound mind and body, rejecting abuse of alcohol or drugs
• to pursue my career goals zealously, but with integrity
• to promote brotherly love and kind feeling, nurturing my friendships
• to dedicate myself to my family, my faith, and pursuit of the truth.

To My Brothers

• to challenge all brothers to uphold this code and hold accountable those who do not
• to respect the dignity of all; not to tolerate physical or mental abuse of any human being
• to seek and fulfill leadership roles and participate energetically in Fraternity activities
• to encourage my chapter to establish and enforce rigorous academic standards
• to urge my chapter not to tolerate abuse of alcohol or drugs
• to actively recruit new members who I believe will uphold the Fraternity's values
• to participate enthusiastically in an education program to inculcate our values

To My Fraternity

• to ensure that my conduct at all events and activities reflects Pi Kappa Alpha in a positive light
• to reach out to brothers beyond my own chapter; and welcome those who reach out to me
• to participate actively in Fraternity sponsored educational and leadership conferences
• to volunteer my time as an alumnus to an area chapter or alumni association or to the Fraternity
• to provide financial support for the Pi Kappa Alpha Foundation
• to respect the Fraternity’s property and symbols
• to leave the Fraternity and my chapter better than they were when I arrived

To My Community

• to protect the health and safety of others
• to participate in campus activities, and stay involved with my alma mater beyond my graduation
• to foster good relationships with the University faculty and administration
• to serve my community through participation in civic organizations and events

Only by so doing, can I fulfill my commitment to Pi Kappa Alpha and be worthy to count myself a True Pike.

Our Mission 

Pi Kappa Alpha is dedicated to developing men of integrity, intellect, and high moral character and to fostering a truly lifelong fraternal experience. To fulfill this mission, Pi Kappa Alpha will:

• Encourage all our members to live the values taught in our ritual.
• Provide innovative services and programs designed to enrich the lives of our undergraduates, alumni, and communities.
• Create opportunities for our undergraduate and alumni members to participate in the life of Pi Kappa Alpha on a daily basis.
• Promote and foster a spirit of pride, loyalty, inclusion and respect for Pi Kappa Alpha and its rich history.
• Empower our undergraduate and alumni members to help shape Pi Kappa Alpha's future by being informed ambassadors and involved advocates.
• Encourage our undergraduate and alumni members to take an active role in advancing Pi Kappa Alpha's interests by volunteering their time and by contributing to the fraternity's annual giving campaign.
• Communicate effectively and efficiently with our alumni, students and host institutions through various channels on a continuous basis.
• Value academic achievement and practice academic integrity.
• Establish positive and lasting relationships with our host institutions, alumni and communities.
• Encourage our members to be of strong mind and body.

Our Vision

Pi Kappa Alpha will set the standard of integrity, intellect, and achievement for our members, host institutions, and the communities in which we live.

Our Creed

We believe in the importance of virtue and commit to living the values of the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity. We recognize that truth is the foundation of all lasting association, and we will seek wisdom and knowledge while serving others in modesty and dignity.

Recalling that Pi Kappa Alpha is a lifelong commitment, I therefore reaffirm to live my life with honor and courage seeking the inherent worth in each person I meet; to accept all brothers of Pi Kappa Alpha in love and friendship; and to serve my faith, my family, my community, my alma mater, and my Fraternity.

Only then, by living these virtues, will we realize our fullest potential.

Father we thank thee for all thy blessings,
we would serve thee in phi phi k Amen

In the bonds of phi phi k a 1658

Dear Zoë,

                I realized today I will never get to see you. I will never get to hold, hear your voice, or even spend a second with you. I found out that maybe I don’t deserve to have anyone or anything in my life depending on me. Life is so much easier when you isolate yourself from everyone else. You don’t have to worry about being hurt or hurting everyone else. Which I so often do.

                I admit it gets tough already knowing what I know and seeing everyone else enjoy their children and excitement. Everyday at work I see at least one family and there’s always one little one. And I see all the unconditional love flowing from that. I get sadden when I see it because I also see everything I will miss out on. Most importantly I see what you are missing out on.

                Then again maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. You have your mom, her family and their degrading demeanor to children, and their long history of steady breakups, non-supportive families, and substance abuse. Maybe your mom will find someone who will love you unconditionally and be a father to you. I don’t know. It hurts to think about it.

                I thought about leaving everything I know and going to Illinois to be closer to you but it may be a waste of time. I can’t get updates today to figure out if you are even born.

                As I pause for a minute and let my thoughts freely flow to me. I thought about how I accidently cut myself at work yesterday. I should have went for stitches, but I didn’t instead I watched as the skin began to spread apart. The white flesh mixed with pink muscle began to appear. I looked at it in awe. Then slowly the blood flowed to the top and there was no stopping it there. As the red blood began to drip down my hand onto the white snow and dark slush of the parking lot. I was in amazement how painless and simple it was. How once the blood reached the surface it was like an endless water fall.

                How I related that to me and you is this… I had an opportunity to be in your life but everyone told your mother “it wasn’t good for Zoë to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.” Your mother thinks I lie about everything about long hours at work or money or whatever else. Yet never said to me but said it to everyone else, but all she had to do was ask me for time card records or bank statements. But that’s neither here nor there. As for this and the blood flow, once I relieve your gone my life and your life will never be what it could have been. Part of me wants to fight and keep on fighting. The other part of me says I spent 26 years trying to prove my worth and looking for acceptance. I have yet to find it. That’s a quarter of a century of my life I have wasted. Less have done more in shorter time. There’s no hope for me and I at the realization I meant to be lost and lonely.

                Now, I questioning my belief system and my chance to prove who I am. I am labelled because I don’t follow the norm or accept life for what society thinks I should be. I look at greats who become the best at what they did. People like Nick Saban, Ray Lewis, Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent, Ralph Lauren, Kia Greene, Jim Carrey, and so many others. They all broke the rules of the norm and didn’t follow what they should have been by societies standards. Now, I wonder shall I lay down and let the blood of my life drip on both sides of the dark slush and white snow. I am poured out and empty. I have no hope or vision anymore. So many questions will be left unanswered and sometimes it may seem easier to go and ask the milk man to find out how the story ends.

                I hope you someday realize what you hear about me is never who I really am/was. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here but one day you may google me and find this. 

What is life?

My nine month pregnant wife of ten months recently left me. It's funny how we grow up wishing and hoping for things not to be a current way and they end up being that way. I have no idea where to go from here or why I am even doing what I am doing. All my life there was one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. To some people it may sound simple or dumb thing to say, but I just wanted a family. That’s all I ever wanted. Growing up I really didn’t experience a family. I mean I had a mom, stepdad, brothers, and a sister. But I didn’t have a “family”.

I always felt like the outcast; the one that didn’t belong. I was the typical middle child. With two older brothers and one younger brother and sister. The oldest well was the oldest. He was the first to have everything and do everything. He ruined it for the rest of us so to speak. He was the bully of the family too. Next in line was a bother that was mentally retarded. So, he received special attention on a lot of things. The sister below me was the only girl and my stepdad’s eldest. Then there was the baby of the family who got away with murder and lied about it.

My mom was obese and wasn’t too active although everyone says she was when she was younger. My stepdad was an abusive prick who I hated for majority of my life. He was abusive as you can be in every aspect of life emotionally and physically.

Thinking about life and some of the things I remember about past relationships is that I always seen my exes have a tremendous love and admiration for their families. I never had that, I resent my family to this day. Majority of them treat you like dirt until they thought you were going to have a major pay day. When that went away so did the affection and caring.

As for me and where I am at now... First off I always wonder how I could get them to love me like they love their families. No matter how hard I tried I was like Tommy Boy and just wreck shop. Now, I am left wondering "What is life?" I feel like I am just an illusion and figure of my own imagination. Everything in this life is vanity and has no pay off in the end. Then again what is the end? What is the means and road to get there? Is there a short cut to it because I am ready to take that road if there is. 

I am reminded as I write this that my so called "wife, spouse, better half, soul mate, my  helpmeet" wrote to her unborn daughter. She said I was a liar, called her out of her name, hide my belongings behind pass codes, have problems with everyone I meet, and she hope she never meets anyone like me. You know half that shit is not even true matter of fact none of it is true. Or maybe I start to believe it is all true and I am worthless. The scum of the earth and have no means in this world but leave people saying "I am glad I am not like him". But what the fuck can you do? What do I have to prove? Why must I go on paying child support to someone who lives 3 states away. For someone I will never get to meet and who will grow up thinking I am the biggest piece of shit.

I grew up without my biological father in my life and the circle will not be unbroken in my family's life cycle. I knew I never wanted this, but I cant force someone to love me that has no love in her heart for me. But now I am confused and I wonder what is love? What does it mean and what does it feel like, look like, or taste like?

As for my sperm donor I realized he was a piece of shit because he was never there for me. He jumped in and out of my life it was some kind of fucking pick of game at the local court. Now, I am left thinking man I am the man that wants to be involved and I won't even have the chance. Then I start to think about Karma is a motherfucker and how when I was in LE. Looking back at all the domestic arrest and deadbeat dad warrants I served. How I thought how can anyone be so cold harded towards their own blood. But now I have to think was it the man or the bitch being evil and getting mad at the dad because isn't fucking her anymore. 

 So, What is life?