What is life?

My nine month pregnant wife of ten months recently left me. It's funny how we grow up wishing and hoping for things not to be a current way and they end up being that way. I have no idea where to go from here or why I am even doing what I am doing. All my life there was one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. To some people it may sound simple or dumb thing to say, but I just wanted a family. That’s all I ever wanted. Growing up I really didn’t experience a family. I mean I had a mom, stepdad, brothers, and a sister. But I didn’t have a “family”.

I always felt like the outcast; the one that didn’t belong. I was the typical middle child. With two older brothers and one younger brother and sister. The oldest well was the oldest. He was the first to have everything and do everything. He ruined it for the rest of us so to speak. He was the bully of the family too. Next in line was a bother that was mentally retarded. So, he received special attention on a lot of things. The sister below me was the only girl and my stepdad’s eldest. Then there was the baby of the family who got away with murder and lied about it.

My mom was obese and wasn’t too active although everyone says she was when she was younger. My stepdad was an abusive prick who I hated for majority of my life. He was abusive as you can be in every aspect of life emotionally and physically.

Thinking about life and some of the things I remember about past relationships is that I always seen my exes have a tremendous love and admiration for their families. I never had that, I resent my family to this day. Majority of them treat you like dirt until they thought you were going to have a major pay day. When that went away so did the affection and caring.

As for me and where I am at now... First off I always wonder how I could get them to love me like they love their families. No matter how hard I tried I was like Tommy Boy and just wreck shop. Now, I am left wondering "What is life?" I feel like I am just an illusion and figure of my own imagination. Everything in this life is vanity and has no pay off in the end. Then again what is the end? What is the means and road to get there? Is there a short cut to it because I am ready to take that road if there is. 

I am reminded as I write this that my so called "wife, spouse, better half, soul mate, my  helpmeet" wrote to her unborn daughter. She said I was a liar, called her out of her name, hide my belongings behind pass codes, have problems with everyone I meet, and she hope she never meets anyone like me. You know half that shit is not even true matter of fact none of it is true. Or maybe I start to believe it is all true and I am worthless. The scum of the earth and have no means in this world but leave people saying "I am glad I am not like him". But what the fuck can you do? What do I have to prove? Why must I go on paying child support to someone who lives 3 states away. For someone I will never get to meet and who will grow up thinking I am the biggest piece of shit.

I grew up without my biological father in my life and the circle will not be unbroken in my family's life cycle. I knew I never wanted this, but I cant force someone to love me that has no love in her heart for me. But now I am confused and I wonder what is love? What does it mean and what does it feel like, look like, or taste like?

As for my sperm donor I realized he was a piece of shit because he was never there for me. He jumped in and out of my life it was some kind of fucking pick of game at the local court. Now, I am left thinking man I am the man that wants to be involved and I won't even have the chance. Then I start to think about Karma is a motherfucker and how when I was in LE. Looking back at all the domestic arrest and deadbeat dad warrants I served. How I thought how can anyone be so cold harded towards their own blood. But now I have to think was it the man or the bitch being evil and getting mad at the dad because isn't fucking her anymore. 

 So, What is life?