Dear Zoë,

                I realized today I will never get to see you. I will never get to hold, hear your voice, or even spend a second with you. I found out that maybe I don’t deserve to have anyone or anything in my life depending on me. Life is so much easier when you isolate yourself from everyone else. You don’t have to worry about being hurt or hurting everyone else. Which I so often do.

                I admit it gets tough already knowing what I know and seeing everyone else enjoy their children and excitement. Everyday at work I see at least one family and there’s always one little one. And I see all the unconditional love flowing from that. I get sadden when I see it because I also see everything I will miss out on. Most importantly I see what you are missing out on.

                Then again maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. You have your mom, her family and their degrading demeanor to children, and their long history of steady breakups, non-supportive families, and substance abuse. Maybe your mom will find someone who will love you unconditionally and be a father to you. I don’t know. It hurts to think about it.

                I thought about leaving everything I know and going to Illinois to be closer to you but it may be a waste of time. I can’t get updates today to figure out if you are even born.

                As I pause for a minute and let my thoughts freely flow to me. I thought about how I accidently cut myself at work yesterday. I should have went for stitches, but I didn’t instead I watched as the skin began to spread apart. The white flesh mixed with pink muscle began to appear. I looked at it in awe. Then slowly the blood flowed to the top and there was no stopping it there. As the red blood began to drip down my hand onto the white snow and dark slush of the parking lot. I was in amazement how painless and simple it was. How once the blood reached the surface it was like an endless water fall.

                How I related that to me and you is this… I had an opportunity to be in your life but everyone told your mother “it wasn’t good for Zoë to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.” Your mother thinks I lie about everything about long hours at work or money or whatever else. Yet never said to me but said it to everyone else, but all she had to do was ask me for time card records or bank statements. But that’s neither here nor there. As for this and the blood flow, once I relieve your gone my life and your life will never be what it could have been. Part of me wants to fight and keep on fighting. The other part of me says I spent 26 years trying to prove my worth and looking for acceptance. I have yet to find it. That’s a quarter of a century of my life I have wasted. Less have done more in shorter time. There’s no hope for me and I at the realization I meant to be lost and lonely.

                Now, I questioning my belief system and my chance to prove who I am. I am labelled because I don’t follow the norm or accept life for what society thinks I should be. I look at greats who become the best at what they did. People like Nick Saban, Ray Lewis, Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent, Ralph Lauren, Kia Greene, Jim Carrey, and so many others. They all broke the rules of the norm and didn’t follow what they should have been by societies standards. Now, I wonder shall I lay down and let the blood of my life drip on both sides of the dark slush and white snow. I am poured out and empty. I have no hope or vision anymore. So many questions will be left unanswered and sometimes it may seem easier to go and ask the milk man to find out how the story ends.

                I hope you someday realize what you hear about me is never who I really am/was. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here but one day you may google me and find this.