What am I doing here?

They say everything happens for a reason. Well, I say that myself actually. Being a firm believer in predestination I know it to be true. The problem is not having to living with my choices, but living with them and not knowing the reason.

I guess that plays a big whole in all aspect of my life. I am often seen as a rebel or trouble maker because I just want to know the bigger picture in things I am told to do. I have no problem doing them it’s just that I need to know the why of what I am doing.  

So, when I see my life going to shit I don’t ask why is this happening to me. I asked that enough growing up, but now the question is what the greater good that will come from it. When I never had a child out of wedlock or go to a Bible College and meet the “one God has for me”. We get married move in together she finds out she is pregnant and three weeks later she wants to up and leave. Then tells me she wants me to go to counselling or we won’t work. Comes back for a month and every other day she is asking me for a divorce. She leaves for 5 months, comes back for a month, and leaves again. Now, she tells me I can’t have joint custody, be there for her daughter’s birth, and so on. I don’t ask why but left wondering what’s the greater good of this?

Or when I told I can’t be present because I will stress the baby and the mother. I heard I was a problem and fuck up all my life. Often times I just wonder what I am doing here? What the fuck am I doing here? I know that I don’t belong here. I am cancer to the world. I am like the black plague. Maybe that’s why I get the worse service at restaurants or don’t get along with co-workers. I am the worse at everything and I want to drive off into the sunset and never turn back.

I guess the whole marriage could be summed up in the song Hang by Matchbox Twenty

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'til it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see it at all 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hangI
The same for you
I'll always hang

Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

I forgot how to live my life. I don't know who I am anymore. I know I am not the confident strong individual I was 6 years ago. That person who wouldn't let the world hold him down. That chased the dream and fulfilled it. But now, now I am a no body and I feel like the scum of the earth. I am worthless and have nothing build off of or work towards.