Dear Zoë,

                I realized today I will never get to see you. I will never get to hold, hear your voice, or even spend a second with you. I found out that maybe I don’t deserve to have anyone or anything in my life depending on me. Life is so much easier when you isolate yourself from everyone else. You don’t have to worry about being hurt or hurting everyone else. Which I so often do.

                I admit it gets tough already knowing what I know and seeing everyone else enjoy their children and excitement. Everyday at work I see at least one family and there’s always one little one. And I see all the unconditional love flowing from that. I get sadden when I see it because I also see everything I will miss out on. Most importantly I see what you are missing out on.

                Then again maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. You have your mom, her family and their degrading demeanor to children, and their long history of steady breakups, non-supportive families, and substance abuse. Maybe your mom will find someone who will love you unconditionally and be a father to you. I don’t know. It hurts to think about it.

                I thought about leaving everything I know and going to Illinois to be closer to you but it may be a waste of time. I can’t get updates today to figure out if you are even born.

                As I pause for a minute and let my thoughts freely flow to me. I thought about how I accidently cut myself at work yesterday. I should have went for stitches, but I didn’t instead I watched as the skin began to spread apart. The white flesh mixed with pink muscle began to appear. I looked at it in awe. Then slowly the blood flowed to the top and there was no stopping it there. As the red blood began to drip down my hand onto the white snow and dark slush of the parking lot. I was in amazement how painless and simple it was. How once the blood reached the surface it was like an endless water fall.

                How I related that to me and you is this… I had an opportunity to be in your life but everyone told your mother “it wasn’t good for Zoë to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.” Your mother thinks I lie about everything about long hours at work or money or whatever else. Yet never said to me but said it to everyone else, but all she had to do was ask me for time card records or bank statements. But that’s neither here nor there. As for this and the blood flow, once I relieve your gone my life and your life will never be what it could have been. Part of me wants to fight and keep on fighting. The other part of me says I spent 26 years trying to prove my worth and looking for acceptance. I have yet to find it. That’s a quarter of a century of my life I have wasted. Less have done more in shorter time. There’s no hope for me and I at the realization I meant to be lost and lonely.

                Now, I questioning my belief system and my chance to prove who I am. I am labelled because I don’t follow the norm or accept life for what society thinks I should be. I look at greats who become the best at what they did. People like Nick Saban, Ray Lewis, Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent, Ralph Lauren, Kia Greene, Jim Carrey, and so many others. They all broke the rules of the norm and didn’t follow what they should have been by societies standards. Now, I wonder shall I lay down and let the blood of my life drip on both sides of the dark slush and white snow. I am poured out and empty. I have no hope or vision anymore. So many questions will be left unanswered and sometimes it may seem easier to go and ask the milk man to find out how the story ends.

                I hope you someday realize what you hear about me is never who I really am/was. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here but one day you may google me and find this. 

What is life?

My nine month pregnant wife of ten months recently left me. It's funny how we grow up wishing and hoping for things not to be a current way and they end up being that way. I have no idea where to go from here or why I am even doing what I am doing. All my life there was one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. To some people it may sound simple or dumb thing to say, but I just wanted a family. That’s all I ever wanted. Growing up I really didn’t experience a family. I mean I had a mom, stepdad, brothers, and a sister. But I didn’t have a “family”.

I always felt like the outcast; the one that didn’t belong. I was the typical middle child. With two older brothers and one younger brother and sister. The oldest well was the oldest. He was the first to have everything and do everything. He ruined it for the rest of us so to speak. He was the bully of the family too. Next in line was a bother that was mentally retarded. So, he received special attention on a lot of things. The sister below me was the only girl and my stepdad’s eldest. Then there was the baby of the family who got away with murder and lied about it.

My mom was obese and wasn’t too active although everyone says she was when she was younger. My stepdad was an abusive prick who I hated for majority of my life. He was abusive as you can be in every aspect of life emotionally and physically.

Thinking about life and some of the things I remember about past relationships is that I always seen my exes have a tremendous love and admiration for their families. I never had that, I resent my family to this day. Majority of them treat you like dirt until they thought you were going to have a major pay day. When that went away so did the affection and caring.

As for me and where I am at now... First off I always wonder how I could get them to love me like they love their families. No matter how hard I tried I was like Tommy Boy and just wreck shop. Now, I am left wondering "What is life?" I feel like I am just an illusion and figure of my own imagination. Everything in this life is vanity and has no pay off in the end. Then again what is the end? What is the means and road to get there? Is there a short cut to it because I am ready to take that road if there is. 

I am reminded as I write this that my so called "wife, spouse, better half, soul mate, my  helpmeet" wrote to her unborn daughter. She said I was a liar, called her out of her name, hide my belongings behind pass codes, have problems with everyone I meet, and she hope she never meets anyone like me. You know half that shit is not even true matter of fact none of it is true. Or maybe I start to believe it is all true and I am worthless. The scum of the earth and have no means in this world but leave people saying "I am glad I am not like him". But what the fuck can you do? What do I have to prove? Why must I go on paying child support to someone who lives 3 states away. For someone I will never get to meet and who will grow up thinking I am the biggest piece of shit.

I grew up without my biological father in my life and the circle will not be unbroken in my family's life cycle. I knew I never wanted this, but I cant force someone to love me that has no love in her heart for me. But now I am confused and I wonder what is love? What does it mean and what does it feel like, look like, or taste like?

As for my sperm donor I realized he was a piece of shit because he was never there for me. He jumped in and out of my life it was some kind of fucking pick of game at the local court. Now, I am left thinking man I am the man that wants to be involved and I won't even have the chance. Then I start to think about Karma is a motherfucker and how when I was in LE. Looking back at all the domestic arrest and deadbeat dad warrants I served. How I thought how can anyone be so cold harded towards their own blood. But now I have to think was it the man or the bitch being evil and getting mad at the dad because isn't fucking her anymore. 

 So, What is life?